Yes, I am an extrovert, I’m just depressed.
Some people joke that I’m “too pretty” to be depressed, but we all know depression doesn’t care what you look like on the outside. Depression works from the inside and makes you feel ugly no matter what.
I’ve always been a loquacious and social person — my Myers-Briggs labels me as an ENTJ – Commander personality. In grade school, my report cards were marked with “too talkative” as a note in the teacher’s comments section. In other words, I am more of an extrovert on paper.
I do consider myself an extrovert as well, but I am just so sad and so nervous all of the time. I am energized around people, the way extroverts are, yet I rarely leave my apartment.
“Please stay in my room forever, and never tip anyone else.”
I enjoy the human interaction when I am working, albeit digital and often more perverted than just friendly. I’m possessive of my fans because I get jealous when they talk to, or tip other streamers. Even if they do, I hate when they tell me. Just don’t tell me! Pretend that I am the only streamer in your life so my room doesn’t feel so quiet and despondent.
I don’t mention being depressed when I am camming because depression isn’t sexy, and it is sexiness — not pity — that brings in money. I know a lot of my fans are familiar with depression themselves, but, in my opinion, that is not the proper place to reach out for a helping hand.
I talk to my friends, my partner, my family, my roommates. I have two cats and I speak to my plants as if they have human souls. I have been better at attending all of my social engagements (I frequently used to cancel plans at the last minute,) and throwing/decorating parties has been a positive creative outlet for me.
Unfortunately, all of my friends can’t always come over, parties eventually end, and I can’t force everyone that I love to live in my bedroom with me just because I hate leaving.
Still, because I live an alternative lifestyle, usually there is no one home but me and the cats; that is almost all day, every single day, and almost every single night until my roommates come home in the evening.
Does that sounds like the premise of a slasher movie, or what?
Misery loves company, but company does not love your misery.
I text people when I feel up to it, but even when people are not at work, I still feel like they don’t want to talk to me.
I think: no one cares if I mention that I am depressed or anxious. People are tired of hearing me complain about my feelings. Everyone has their own problems to worry about. Even if they care how I’m feeling now, they will just forget about me in a few days.
Too often, I just feel completely and utterly alone. When people are gone, and sometimes even when people are sitting right next to me. When I’m home, when I’m out, when I’m with my people, when I’m with my cats.
No matter what I do, who I’m with, or how many people I talk to and see… The loneliness always comes back. Ironically, like an old friend who won’t take the hint that it is time to leave.
Don’t worry — I’m not Elliot from Mr. Robot. I’m not interested in doing morphine any time soon… but I totally get where he is coming from.
Crying alone in a dark corner of my apartment alone, though? I can relate. I’m sorry for those of you who can relate to that, as well.
Do you ever feel lonely, even when you have company?
Do you want to be alone, but still have someone in the same room as you?
Do you feel isolated all day, but lock yourself in your room when people get home?
Do you want to tell people how you feel, but are afraid of being burdensome to others?
Do you avoid participating in your group chats because you’re afraid people will ignore you, or because you feel embarrassed by what you want to say?
How do you battle your loneliness when you feel like no one takes your anguish seriously?