If you’re having a hard time and you have to answer the door, or walk through a crowd, or be at work, or sit in class, or sometimes when you’re at home… When are you allowed to breakdown without embarrassing yourself?
I’m basically an expert at remaining composed in short bursts, if need be. The laundromat, going downstairs to get a delivery, saying hello to the landlord.
But inside I’m sometimes hurting, raging, or generally in disarray. It’s no wonder my mood is like a pendulum. It’s all the pressure of keeping my smile from faltering in front of everyone that forces out the bad behaviors at the worst possible times.
Huge day tomorrow, and I don’t feel very supported. Everyone was here for me the first time around, but now that it’s almost over, I guess they’re fine to leave me on my own. I get taken care of so well sometimes that I only feel guilty and shameful when I get depressed about feeling lonely and isolated. I’m partially to blame, but can’t I have one day that can just be easy for me because I really need it?
Am I hurt and validated, or ungrateful and self-absorbed? My daily ambivalent struggle.