Some somewhat dumb shit had me sobbing in the shower on Friday. UNCHARACTERISTICALLY THO, I chose to let it go after a good night’s sleep. It was a beautiful day and I didn’t want to lose it because I was emo about things not going perfectly my way one time.
Granted, I don’t get a do-over photo session for, what I keep citing as, one of the most important days of my life. Hint: 🇺🇸!
But the lack of a re-do is precisely why I couldn’t just stay at home and brood and bring everyone else down with me. I wouldn’t get that beautiful day by the park back anymore than I can get my damn photo taken in front of the American flag at my naturalization oath ceremony again.
It was miscommunication, to summarize. Shit happens, though! My intuition said that even though I wanted a little more from the people closest to me on one of the most important days of mah life… I should just let it go.
I had a dramatic argument in front of the subway station and later apologized to my guy for overreacting. I did the biggest private cry in the hottest shower and switched the temp to icy cold until I calmed down. I worked out longer and harder than I had since I started the other week – I was so upset I could barely feel it at the time tbh. 😹
I made a choice not to bring it up or engage in conversations about citizenship day with anyone for longer than I had to.
I said my piece, I self-soothed, I had a cathartic release, I acknowledged my poor behavior, and I left that chaos behind and choose to move forward with my day and emotions.
Life is good and only getting better. When I have the capacity to do so, I can take a step back and appreciate all the things to be grateful for in my life. Suddenly the only things that matter are the good things. And there are so many good things in my manic/depressive life. I won’t lose another year feeling sorry for myself without attempting to enact positive changes that lift me and my peeps up.
So, congratulations to me! After a harrowing and arduous journey that lasted years (through no fault of my own btw *coughchildhoodarrivalcough*), I am finally FINALLY a U.S. citizen. 🇺🇸✨
Major love and props to my amazing partner for helping me both financially and emotionally despite all my anxieties about doing this otherwise on my own.
Yes, my parents are citizens, too. No, they were not the ones holding my hand or offering to help pay for my own naturalization when it was my turn tho they got me into this ridiculous situation in the first place — that was all my beloved boyfriend. And in case you couldn’t guess, I don’t talk to my parents much at all. 🙃
Frankly, I need a little more time to get over beef with my parents, but I know it will happen if we put in the work. Later.
Regardless, I am so elated. I can finally have that American dream I watched my classmates live around me. No more fears associated with being undocumented or even being a permanent resident. No more green card with an impending expiration date that offered no guarantee of renewal, nor guaranteed re-entry into the country for any reason. Hence why I was too afraid to travel outside of the states with only my Canadian passport and green card when Trump was the president. >.>
No more discrimination from the TSA when I return to the USA with a green card and no more putting me in the immigrant’s waiting room of shame. Jk they will still probably discriminate, but at least I will have a U.S. passport and they won’t feel the need to exercise a display of dominance to prove that they’re better than me because I was simply a lowly green card holder to them.
No more heartbreaking moments like the Fulbright scholarship being ripped from beneath my feet because being a permanent resident disqualified me from eligibility. Citizens only! Womp. That one still hurts because I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end… It didn’t even matter. 💔
Seriously though, if you are an American citizen, do not take that privilege for granted. My story sucked, but I can only imagine what others might endure to become permanent residents or citizens here, on top of being treated more like political bargaining tools that fuel racist and xenophobic controversy than human beings just trying to find security in the country they know as home.
Finally, I would like to applaud myself for acting with enough composure to apologize and not let myself continue to feel bitter or hurt by unrealistic expectations I had of others to care as much about *~one of the most important days of my life~* as I did. It was for me anyway. I got plenty of support and I cannot complain. This has been a monumental weekend for me and I hope that I continue to drop the diva shit more quickly so we can all get back to enjoying this amazing life together.
Over-share post? Sorry! I’m just SO EXCITED YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS.
I was born in Canada. My parents brought me to NYC when I was 1. I have lived here for 29 fucking years and this gritty, New York, American life is all I know. I graduated from elementary school, intermediary school, high school and college in NYC! I worked. I pay taxes! Never been arrested or certifiably dissident. Don’t ask me why the nightmare rigamarole of getting documented and then citizenship’d was bureaucratic, discriminatory HELL for literally decades of my life.
I really didn’t think it was fair to me, but I know there are so many others in similar or more difficult positions with their immigration status. We should all send positive energy and prayers to those applicants to be unbound from the shackles of USCIS, so that they may live fulfilled lives without fear of the heartless federal retaliation that often separates families, unlawfully detains adults and children in severely unaccommodating facilities, and deports people helplessly to countries from which they may have escaped poverty, violence, or tyranny in some form.
According to the testing portion of my naturalization process, it is my civic duty to work with and within my community to enact positive changes for society. I have so many socioeconomic and political values that I believe could help people like me (or not like me at all… Whatever!) Animals and the planet, too!
Now that my life has been upgraded, it’s time to start working on changing the world for the safety and comfort of all. Where should we begin? 🙂
🇺🇸✨🇨🇦✨🇺🇸
(wish I had a pic of me with the flag to post right here, but the words will have to do for now!)
Miss Moody Lilac 