Here I am doing what I said what I would do and putting in my minimum of 20 minutes earlier in the day instead of panicking that I need to do that thing in order to feel fulfilled.
Every little thing that seems like a pain to a depressed person like 20 minutes of this, or 30 minutes of that, cleaning this one thing, organizing that other thing — those are all the things I am attempting valiantly to accomplish before I feed my cats lunch at 1:30pm.
If I wake up a little earlier, eat a little earlier, have coffee a little earlier, read a little earlier, exercise a little earlier, shower a little earlier, get dressed a little earlier, write a little earlier, and remember to eat lunch a little earlier, I dare say that I might actually be on the right track to getting my most healthy activities, yet also the most stressful in thought for some reason, earlier.
Now here I am feeling great because I actually did all of those things a little earlier and now I am even doing my writing earlier and I actually feel proud as fuck for myself. GO ME! And I do hope that you are on the upswing of your journey and things are working in your favor, on your timeline, as well.
This is not the only reason I am feeling happy today. Ignoring my fears about the uncertain future has finally paid off because I finished my graduate school applications.
I applied to two schools, one of which I actually used to work at as a Help Desk specialist many, many moons ago. It seems like yesterday and forever ago at the same time. I was applying for full-time jobs while working part-time at this college because I just graduated with my Bachelor’s degree. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t find my perfect match and several circumstances and decisions of varying ethics later became literal years later became this moment right now when I can say:
I have been accepted into one of the graduate school programs I applied to!
Again, congratulations to me, Miss Moody Lilac, who could barely get out of bed this time last year and the year before and so many years before that!
I actually found out that I had been accepted into this program when I was still visiting my sister in Austin last week because one of the program directors sent me an email saying, “Congratulations again!” and that I should check my spam email because I have not responded to my decision email.
It was, ultimately, an anticlimactic ending to a process that started at the beginning of May when I reached out to contacts of olde in order to beg for letters of recommendation. After meetings, and statements, resume zhuzh, a trip to Florida for a baby shower (for a baby who is now born! Happy birthday!), some editing, some breath-holding before submission, a too-expensive application fee, an impromptu trip to TEXAS, deadline panic, outline planning, scaffolding, scheduling, completion, email communications, another submission, and another application fee.
I admittedly felt emotionally robbed of all that hard work, but I was also grateful that my fallback school had administrators who are so accommodating that they wanted to make sure I was actually checking my email after applying.
Today, one week after learning that I didn’t receive my acceptance email because I opted out of communications from the school at some point (ha!), I finally got the actual acceptance email and now feel guilty asking the same woman who helped me all week when I need to make my decision because I am still waiting hear back from my first choice school. I did not say first choice, but she probably knows.
I think this school will be more career and program focused, while the other program will be a better stepping stone to getting my PhD (according to my Professor contact, who wrote recommendations for both schools). I think the idea of being career oriented terrifies me, which is why the school I am already accepted to is still awaiting my decision. The idea of being a Doctor-of-whatever by the time I’m 40 stimulates me, not that either of these paths are set in stone, whether I go to one school, or the other.
My 20 minute timer has gone off!
I also feel that the other school I’ve applied to will be more academic focused and therefore more personally challenging. I had to do a little bit of extra work in the form of a five page paper about the topic of my choosing (which I will probably upload to my WiP portfolio here, someday) and that was very exciting for me because I haven’t written a paper for school in years and no that is not sarcasm because hello I am a writer and this is kind of my thing despite what you probably believe based on this blog alone.
I think it is fair to say that I am in a really good place right now.
Now I will sit here in anguish and confusion as I hope and pray that I also get accepted into the other college and also wtf what if I unsubscribed to email communications from that school, too? I guess part of getting your Master’s degree is actually knowing how to view your decision email and then accepting and then figuring out how to pay for all these goddamn expensive courses because education ain’t that cheap, but it totally should be, obv.
TIME TO DO THE REST OF MY THING.
TO DO LIST TODAY:
1. Tune my guitar and practice for 15 minutes.
2. READ READ READ! (Currently reading The White Album by Joan Didion because I love her and California and yes Ingrid Goes West & The Night Country by Melissa Albert because I just finished The Hazel Wood and for some reason my fuzzy memory remembered her full name but couldn’t remember the title of the book sitting right on the other side of the room and before you ask I did not smoke today because I am trying this thing where I only start smoking when I am doing art work and not when the clock hits noon like I did all through quarantine. I am just a dumb.
3. Do some artwork because practice make progress also that’s my designated smoke time!
So funny that weed is legal here in New York and I’m like, I can’t even smoke like that anymore because I will end up being a couch potato my whole life if I don’t do my responsibilities first.
I’m out. I hope my reversal-of-fortune, partially from making my own luck, will inspire my fellow depressos and scaredos to keep working a little at a time until good things start happening to them a little at a time and they can take control of their own destinies like I am desperately trying to do.