This is the first for me in a long time. Maybe not since I was a teenager, or maybe even a single young adult. The valuable information that I am about to bestow upon you (as it just now clicked inside of me) could have been useful to me back then.
It was actually probably given to me many times, though I never listened. Looking back at the rebel against nothing dickhead type I was back then, there is not chance that I would have actually followed my own instructions to stop loafing around and turn your boredom and downtime into something productive.
I’m sure that every A-type person and basically anyone reading this has probably heard the same sentiment in some form or another by someone. I bet I’m pretty much the only person who hasn’t actually utilized this beneficial free time effectively.
Even if I was, perhaps, the type of teenager/young adult who may or may not have been too emo and depressed and anxious and just sick of everything to participate in school activities — or school work — and wasted my time doing shenanigans with friends or on the computer (sometimes also with friends on AIM!), I could have at least lost myself in some of my creative activities. Same thing goes for being an adult who was quite literally probably one of the worst employees at every job I’ve ever had ever.
I think I was the type of kid who did some art or write, but not enough to improve on my skills. I was too anxious about people, especially my mother, going through my things and being judgmental or aggressive about everything.
I probably spent more time interested in dumb MySpace and Facebook things like having laughs with friends and being boy crazy and generally being a social waster in places like the Staten Island Mall. Or Webster Hall when I got older. *shudder*
I should have spent less time trash talking people who probably didn’t give a shit about me online and generally being a fucking huge asshole and hanging out with friends trying to get messed up and got some goddamn hobbies and stuck with them.
Maybe I would have actually been fucking amazing at all of the things I am now practicing at so much later in my life than I honestly expected of myself? Maybe I would have already gone to grad school. Maybe I would have a portfolio of writing and art that is worth showing to other people. Maybe I would have a resume that isn’t just a bedazzled version of my inability to stick to one thing and excel at it!
I could probably finish many songs on my guitar. Or at least one. My home would be organized as fuck if I didn’t just use my downtime loafing around, rewatching shows and being depressed, but actually is that depression, or was that just me feeling sorry for myself and never doing anything to change it?
I think it’s somewhere on a spectrum of “yes I do have an emotional illness and it does prevent from living a functional, successful, and fulfilling life at times” combined with “I am actually a lazy piece of shit social climber, riding my partner’s coat tails in my transitional phase instead of applying myself to make things more fair between us.”
Maybe sometimes it’s one more than the other, but I am at least trying extra hard to do a little or a lot at a time in order to ✨take control of my own destiny✨and all that.
What hobbies did I do while I was “bored”?
Actually tuned the electric guitar and messed with it. Practiced some chords. It was amazing. I am trying to build a good relationship with my guitar and amp, instead of being too scared to practice because I’m worried that the neighbors are going to hear me. I don’t know why this bothers me. It’s just another emotional blockade that I am trying to work past. I guess it’s similar to not wanting to do writing or art because I was worried other people will see and give me a hard time about it.
Ah, trauma. The gift that keeps on giving.
I wrote this stream of consciousness blog post, which I am afraid to look back and read at this very moment because I feel like I am having a bout of mania today after going to the doctor, so crowded with people today because only one new receptionist was working. I had to sit outside basically the whole time I was waiting, but it’s whatever.
Maybe being “bored” was giving me anxiety too because I didn’t feel like cleaning or organizing anything at this present time (so lazy on a Friday!) and I decided that I should either draw or write and here we are.
I actually stopped at a coffee shop on the way home because I had to pee so bad after waiting at the doctor and being so excited to get out of there that I forgot to stop at the bathroom on the way out.
I ordered myself a chai latter and I started having anxiety the whole time I walked home and for a long time before I drank it because I asked for soy milk in it and I wasn’t sure how many calories were in it.
I kept thinking that I was stupid because I should have said no milk and just asked for an iced chai tea but how many calories are in that with no milk? I could barely find the proper information online because only the Starbucks version kept popping up. This is a new anxiety that is appearing because I am on a health regimen to get to my pre-COVID bod and improve mood and sleep.
I did end up drinking that damn thing and felt better after and maybe that caffeine buzz is attributing to the mania/anxiety situation, but it has existed all day. Mainly since yesterday. I think it’s all school-related because I don’t understand how to pay the bill for the school I am taking non-degree courses at because their system is a whole new animal to me.
ALSO, I haven’t heard back from my other school and I think I have to submitted my decision to the school that accepted me already by NEXT FRIDAY?!
So stressful. When I don’t think about it, I just feel general anxiety and when I pinpoint some of the external factors that are making me feel nuts, I just feel this sense of dread. Hopeful and positive that everything will work out fine and in the way it is meant to, but in the meantime, I have tons of extra time in which the only thing I can do is wait. I am filling in these gaps of boredom with productive activities.
Hence, this post.
Miss Moody Lilac 