All the Stress

Today I did the smart thing and emailed the Admissions department of my second choice school to clarify how long I actually had to accept or decline the school’s offer.

I also emailed the Admissions department of my first choice school to find out when decisions will be made about applicant hopefuls.

I also put in a ticket with the Financial Aid department of the college I am taking non-degree graduate courses during the Fall 2021 semester because there is another weird hold on my payment portal about my citizenship documentation proof, but there isn’t anything I can actually do about the prompt and I am so very, very confused about this system because it is a private school and even though their tuition is exorbitantly high for a school that isn’t even rated that highly academically lezzbereal their portal system and website in general is so fucking puzzling to me but if I can’t figure out how to navigate their website then how am I even going to pass the courses that I’m taking?

Should I even really be in graduate school if I’m such a big dum?

I ALSO applied for a private loan to pay for tuition for that way too expensive college but luckily I am only paying for one semester (still really pricey) and taking those courses for “fun” but it’s $10,000 worth of “fun” which sounds really privileged and fucked but here I am putting myself in debt because I’m very interested in children’s book publishing and comics/graphic novels publishing but don’t really have any idea what I’m going to do with that or the degree I hope to get from one of the two grad programs I am going to attend also in Fall 2021.

I hope the loan goes through. I think credit-wise I am allegedly accepted and the only step is the wait for the school to approve it? I have never applied for a private loan before, nor have I attended a private school so it’s all really fancy.

I’m the American fucking dream over here.

Daisy is adjusting slowly to her new home and I feel a little sad and guilty because I know she will be better when she feels safer, but this was a totally safe space for her straight from the streets and I feel bad that we took that away from her quite suddenly. I know that she will have an amazing life at her new home, but the acclimation period is probably a little sad and scary for her as well, which makes me feel stressed and upset for her.

As it turns out, there is no deadline for me to accept or decline the school’s offer, I was just given the wrong information previously which had me panicking for literally. No. Reason. I’m so glad I could clear the fog of panic to think rationally for two seconds and ask that simple question to the whole damn apartment dedicated to just those types of inquiries.

My first choice school is not going to send their decisions until next week. I hope after all this stress and freaking out and hullabaloo that I actually get into this school. I will be extra upset and pissed off if I paid $75 and emotional energy to get rejected from a really good school that I put in a lot of work into at a super inconvenient time for me.

If they reject me I will literally be like, I want my $75 application fee back because that’s just robbery with extra steps.

Honestly, a lot of things were waived this year for grad school programs, which is why I decided to apply to schools in the first place. Deadlines were also extended — another reason that seemed like a proper sign that I should get my shit together and just do the damn thing.

I wonder how many people applied to these programs? Why would they extend the deadline if they had a fair number of applicants? I liked to tell myself that they extended the deadlines because they didn’t have enough applicants this year due to COVID/less imports moving to the city from their flyover states for the *~NYC experience~*! Raised New Yorker snobbery!!!!

Maybe they are just making a big show of their application process? Maybe there actually were a lot of applicants because there were a lot of people like me who saw this as the right time. Intuition is everything!

Still haven’t heard back from that school’s Financial Aid department, but I’m positive that everything will work out the way I want to, and I accept guidance from my higher powers that I will make the proper choice about the best path for me that will help me learn, grow, and give back to the world.

For now in the in-between time, I will quietly panic on the inside and try to channel the heart palpitations and keep Spring cleaning and organizing my apartment until the negative spaces are clear and there is a good energy flowing throughout.

I think it’s getting better already.

In the meantime… I will try to keep cool and calm and tend to my weak and nervous heart with productive activities. 😭

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