A Bad Day for Overthinking

I guess it’s because Mercury is in retrograde until June 22, but I have been feeling like something has been weird and wrong in the atmosphere recently that was making me feel anxious and confused.

When I looked up the dates for Mercury in retrograde I was like, okay now all this shit makes sense to me.

Fighting with my partner. Feeling like all my friends dislike me or are annoyed by me because they aren’t answering the phone right away. Literally all of my packages coming at the wrong time. General flaws in my travel experience but isn’t that the case any time I have to fly?

I think I was honestly having a rough go this morning and decided that I shouldn’t look at my phone despite downloading this cute, new addicting game called Postknight. I felt like I was spending too much time feeling malaise and texting all my friends and fam, then getting butthurt when they couldn’t immediately give me attention.

I actually haven’t really checked my messages today myself just to direct my energy elsewhere. Somewhere more productive. I did my (now) usual routine of waking up and doing cat things and having coffee and working out. Today I had to wash my hair and I don’t fucking know what it was about today but I was really not in the fucking mood to go through the whole wash, shave, shampoo, condition, towel off, ear piercing care routine, skin care routine, getting dressed, putting on CC cream, blow drying my hair…

I did it all on autopilot, feeling really excited about using my free time before I had to feed the kittens to do my 20 minutes of writing early. I was thinking of my mood and the things going through my head, like feeling physically the same as I did 10, 15, 20 years ago, but now weighed down by the ballast in my t and a and stomach and thighs.

My emotional state is also the same sometimes. So yeah, have I even really grown up at all?

I don’t think so because here I am at 7pm, having procrastinated doing my work again. It’s so hard to break this habit when you’re so used to being a depressed, lazy pos. And then I’m the same pos who will get anxious for putting the thing off for hours. And the old pos me would even lose sleep over it. ALL THE TIME. Why wouldn’t I just do the thing.

So I wasn’t perfect today because there was a kitten-related incident and it was not pretty. *shudder*

But that is just one of the sacrifices we make as pet owners and animal lovers. Cleaning up the accidents instead of enjoying a spare 20 minutes of free time that will be used to improve my technical skills.

Now that I know about the celestial phenomena ruining my fucking life all over outer space, it gives me a little bit of perspective about why things may be going askew in so many areas of my life that are completely out of my control.

Whether you believe in it or not, it’s all about the power of perception. I can let things go a little easier if I can blame some of my inexplicable problems on a literal whole fucking planet.

I’m in a weird headspace lately where cringe, sad, scary, or romantic things of the past keep popping up into my head. What am I actually doing if I say something like, gods please forgive me for my indiscretions and please guide me into a better person so that I can be better for myself and those around me? (And so it is.)

Is that totally crazy? Am I going batshit because of all the vegetables and sunshine and fat burning and artistic expression? Am I actually on to something? Am I having a manic episode? Is that why I feel so anxious? Is that why I’m getting so much stuff doing? Am I going to burn out soon?

If this is all just a bout of productive mania, I’m going to ride it out and try to be “healthy” about it. More beneficial self-soothing like reading and spending some time in the sun on the balcony where my wildflowers and morning glories are starting to grow in.

Even getting some shit done later in the day is better than not doing it at all (like I used to do). That’s progress in my eyes.

Here’s some productive self-soothing tips for you:

1. Write write write.
2. DRAW!
3. Practice your instrument.
4. Play with/groom/clean up after/feed your pets.
5. Organize a negative space in your apartment to increase air and energy flow.
6. Get your chores done early!
7. Do some extra chores a day early.
8. Go through your clothes and Marie Kondo them. Donate the good things to a thrift store.
9. Read read read.
10. Do some gardening.
11. Cook something healthy and tasty for dinner. Protein. Vegetables. Carbs. Fats. Salt.
12. Go for a lovely walk, if the weather is nice enough.
13. Go for a walk in inclement weather with weather-appropriate attire.
14. Exercise.
15. Train your pet to jump through a hoop.

I haven’t started working on that last one yet,

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