Generally Freaking Out

Remember only a few days ago when I felt like I was on a roll and I was getting all of my things done and no matter how depressed or anxious I claimed to be, I still felt like I was doing the right thing?

I can officially say that the fleeting period of taking my own advice is basically over and now I’m pretty much freaking out about everything for literally no reason.

Here, since everyone who reads my blog pretty much only likes me when I’m suffering from some type of emotional affliction, I will list out all of the things that are making me afraid. Some might say that these aren’t exactly problems, and those who would agree that they are problems might say that some of them are my fault, or that they might be easy enough to fix.

I agree. A lot of my shit is totally rational and I can make myself feel better if I just spend ten to twenty minutes to do the thing, while some of the fears that are working their way into my ear like the eggs I think a spider left while I was sleeping. Where is this shit even coming from? How much of it is true? Does any of it make sense to anyone but me? Is it because I got into a fight recently and had a major depressive episode that lasted multiple days? Is it because I’m going to be starting school in 2 months? Is it because summer just started and I don’t feel like I’m taking advantage of everything? Is it because I had a few drinks Friday and Saturday and now I have the post-drink anxieties? Why did I just forget to spell anxieties, even though I literally talk about it everyday? Do I have early onset dementia, or am i just having memory trouble, or am I just a big dummy? Do I have bipolar disorder? Do I want to be diagnosed as bipolar just so I have some kind of explanation for all these lovely, chaotic craziness?

Is it all of these things? Are these all in my heads? Is it all nothing? Too much caffeine? More importantly, how do I make it go away without resorting to the crazy pill? I’m trying not to take them as often, even though I feel like I’m the same amount of scared. And I’m always the same amount of sad.

Haha. I didn’t even get to the part where I listed everything that’s making me pace and practically rip my hairs out before I started going off on another tangent.

I’m scared sitting down, but too worried to get up and start doing things. You know, I’m proud of fuck at myself for even taking out the laptop to write. I think to myself that I want to be a success. I just want to finish one fucking project. No one has to read it. I just want to goddamn finish something at this point. How do all these amazing anxious and depressed celebrities muster up the energy to put their words on paper/screen/wall/whatever?! I’m watching 30 Rock and so impressed by Tina Fey’s self-deprecated humor, but what I’m really laughing at is the fact that so many other characters think of her character as undateable or unappealing and I’m like, that’s me and I’m nowhere near as skinny, or pretty, or white, or talented as Tina Fey. But I want to be like her, so I’m starting by writing some of my bullshit madness down and so I consider her to be very inspirational in this moment.

Back to my sick mind:

  1. What if I have an episode while I’m in school and I fall behind because I’m too depressed and stressed to get off the couch?
  2. What if I have to go into class and everyone is a lot younger than me?
  3. What if people try to talk to me and they think I am stuck up because I’m shy?
  4. What if everyone thinks I’m weird?
  5. What if my Professors find me annoying?
  6. What if any of my Professors are racist or sexist or LGBTphobic or all of the above? Trust me, it still happens in even the most “liberal” colleges.
  7. What if my loan gets rescinded?
  8. What if I run into even more problems with paperwork because I’m a new citizen and there are some administrative things that don’t get resolved quickly/automatically?
  9. What if my computer gets hacked because I didn’t make some of passwords strong enough?
  10. What if I lose my phone and I can’t get into any of my accounts that use 2FA?
  11. What if my reading speed is too slow to keep up with all the work at college?
  12. What if I go to school and everyone thinks I’m fat? Or that I have bad skin?
  13. How long is it going to take me to lose my desired 15-20 pounds at this rate? I feel like it’s working but holy shit it’s slow and I’m just embarrassed of myself all the time?
  14. When am I going to keep up with practicing my good habits?
  15. Should I cancel Duolingo and my Guitar teaching app? Or will I actually stop being resistant and FUCKING USE IT?!
  16. Why am I so scared?
  17. Why am I so depressed?
  18. Why can I never write anything down?
  19. Will I ever finish a goddamn project?
  20. When will I get 200 followers on this blog?
  21. Are my followers going to be annoyed because I’m always freaking out and complaining and always posting cat pictures?
  22. What if the plants on my balcony start dying even though they are starting to look really healthy and cute?
  23. What if none of my expensive facial care creams and serums are just a waste of money and not doing anything?
  24. Will getting this tattoo only bring more attention to the old scars on my wrists?
  25. What do other people think of my blog?
  26. What if a famous person sees my blog and judges me?
  27. What if I get a job and my employers see my blog and judge me?
  28. What if my partner stops loving me?
  29. What if someone sees my web history?
  30. What if keeping 4 cats is too many cats even though I love them and two of them are siblings so they’re basically 1 cat since they always come as a pair?
  31. Am I good pet parent?
  32. Am I a good girlfriend?
  33. Are my friends mad at me? Again? Annoyed at me? Ignoring me?
  34. Do people think I talk about myself too much?
  35. Why do I have so much guilt about everything?
  36. What if I eat too many calories on the weekend?
  37. What if I didn’t exercise enough during the week?
  38. What if my apartment is in the beginning phases of being a hoarder? Animal hoarder?
  39. When am I going to stop being lazy and actually clean up?
  40. Why can’t I get off the couch?
  41. Why am I starting to be okay living in squalor?
  42. Why do I wish I was having a manic episode again?
  43. Will I ever be interested in smoking and drinking again, or am I too afraid of calories to do either?
  44. Am I starting to get boring?
  45. Are people hanging out without me because I’m so annoying?
  46. Am I not getting invited to things anymore?
  47. Am I afraid to say no to going out because I am afraid I won’t get invited out again?
  48. Will my mani/pedi look good in a few days? I get them done every week and I’m always worried they will get messed up right away.
  49. What if I pick the wrong color at the nail salon?
  50. Am I at risk for getting ring worm? Leprosy? COVID variant?
  51. Do I have to keep smoking and drinking forever if I actually want to be successful?
  52. How many of my problems are my own fault?
  53. Do I have PTSD? Otherwise, why can’t I just get over all my bad feels?
  54. Is Pinky getting too big?
  55. How big is he going to be?
  56. Am I not a good enough caretaker for my CH kitty?
  57. Will I ever be able to consider myself “a writer”?
  58. What do I tell people when they ask me what I do for work?
  59. Why can’t I leave the house just to get a new flower pot which I know I need so my blue morning glories will grow to fruition?
  60. What am I going to eat for dinner? Lunch? Breakfast? Snacks? Today? Tomorrow? All the time? Forever???
  61. What book should I read next?
  62. Will my book list ever start going down?
  63. Are all the things I read completely unchallenging?
  64. Am I incapable of focusing?
  65. Where am I going to start putting the rest of my graphic novels? I’m running out of room?
  66. Do my cats still love me?
  67. Are my cats mad at me because of the kittens?
  68. How long is it going to take for me to clean my room/office and redecorate it?
  69. If I don’t move the big mirror out of my room while the bed is in front of it, is it still bad Feng shui if I don’t even sleep in that room?
  70. How hard it is going to be for me and my boyfriend to remove the big mirror and old dresser out of my room and will he end up getting hurt because he’s so soft?
  71. Should I have already ordered a rug for my room for Buttons?
  72. Should I have painted my room before I started making decorating plans?
  73. Will I be able to get this list to 100 worrisome things before WordPress starts glitching ?
  74. Why the fuck does that even matter to me?
  75. Why is this day going by so quickly and why didn’t I get anything done yet?

I don’t even know anymore. And yes WordPress glitched at #70-something so I just give up. Gonna either do some chores and feel better or just sit on the couch and keep panicking.

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