I Don’t Feel Like It!

Yeah I have been only posting fluff garbage things lately. Somewhere in between my craziness and cat pictures and meltdowns and balcony gardening there is actual writing waiting to come out.

I’ve done a lot of activities, suffered a lot of anxiety and depression (your favorite thing to read about me, I’m sure), and have been struggling with my relationship with calories and food.

I spent today tidying up and finally cleaned up my office after my boyfriend was kind enough to assemble my desk and executive chair. That’s right. EXECUTIVE. CHAIR. With 30 degree tilt, for when I need to power pose during a meeting with my cats.

Despite being suuuuper dehydrated after attending a Mets game yesterday and putting books and collectibles on my shelf and the hutch in my desk, I totally didn’t want to do my designated 20 minutes of writing. What else is new? But how can I call myself a writer if I’m not actually writing anything down? How is that chasing the dream?

I don’t really have an excuse anymore because my room is clean and (mostly) cat stank-free. I have a fancy printer that the cats are all walking over… Is it only a matter of time before it becomes another casualty of my beasts’ tyranny? I know the executive chair is no match for the inevitable clawing, but I wanted to sit and work in it for at least a day or two before the pets start wrecking the lovely new stuff that I bought to have a positive study, work, art, and whatever the fuck experience.

My boyfriend has had his office set up for a long time actually, but since we have had the foster cats in my old room, we couldn’t really make it office-ready until they all graduated into forever homes. Everything is different now. There is so much room for activities in my room now. I can’t believe I had my furniture arranged in the most claustrophobic manner imaginable for four years. No wonder I’d have literal nights when I thought the walls were closing in on me.

Alternatively, I have totally had night where I’ve felt very depressed and made myself as small as possible. Then the room would seem infinite and ever-expanding as I watched cartoons and cried in the dark.

Now everything feels very light and free. I’m trying to keep at the good habits. I have been eating under my calorie limit EVERY GODDAMN DAY even on the weekends, when I give myself a higher budget.

So get this. I’ve already lost 17 pounds from my all-time highest weight. I’m very proud of myself because the naughtiest part of me thought that would have been easy if I just took Adderall all the time and drank Soylent everyday in lieu of well-balanced meals. I probably would have lost this weight in half the time, mind you, but I’m so terrified of fucking up the semi-normal sleep schedule I have accomplished that I am not ready to adjust to taking those good old fashioned prescription stimulants.

I downloaded this friggin good habit app that is $2/month and I feel very strongly that it will help me in my journey of self improvement because the icons are very kawaii. The app is called Tusk. Have you ever tried a type of task manager to help you create regular good habits? I feel like I’ve tried a zillion. I remember one that was like an RPG that would give you experience points for doing your customizable daily tasks. That worked for like… 3 weeks before I gave up. I think my limit for doing well in my life is 3 weeks in general. After the 3 week period is up, I just become self-destructive and either stop doing so many good habits or invite naughty habits back into my life.

I put the guitar in my room. I added guitar practice to Tusk just two days a week and today was one of those days and I was “so tired from doing so much today” that I skipped that one. Maybe I’ll just start with one day a week instead. How many days until something becomes a habit? 56? I feel like one of those self-help good habit apps said some helpful fact like that, but I can’t remember. 56 days sounds about right because it sounds like a manageable forever.

Still so much stuff to do around my apartment before I will feel like I’ve mastered the life-changing art of tidying up and organizing, but at least I can see the progress. Tomorrow I’m going to try to get shit done earlier again like I did when I was having my lovely manic fit.

Wake up, coffee, breakfast, write, workout, shower, drawing, reading… I think that’s the perfect way to spend my free time during the week while everyone else is working at their actual jobs. I can work on actually organically growing my blog and solidifying my brand on different platforms. Should I make a tiktok? I’m leaning towards yes. I don’t even care about the spyware shit anymore. I want to watch cat videos with funny sound bites and make funny cat videos with funny sound bites and I want to keep up with the young people but I am le scare.

Again, what else is new? (24 mins)

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