It was a good day after all.

Yesterday I was definitely freaking out about the issues with my graduate school programs since one was canceled and one of my core courses is already closed even though my registration date isn’t for like another month. I guess it is because I’m an incoming student and everyone in that program needs to take that introductory course, so the seats fill up quickly.

I spoke with my advisor today and she recommended that I email the professor of the core course I need and explain my situation so that I could formally be waitlisted when my time comes. I don’t understand why I have to pay thousands of dollars to fight for a seat in a hybrid course that is required of every student in the program in order to fulfill graduation requirements, but I guess some things never change throughout the world of “higher education”.

It’s getting late right now, but I had the world’s largest diet cola with my Impossible Whopper today and I’m worried that I’m going to be too wired to sleep anyway, so I might as well knock out the things on my to do list that I should have done earlier today, honestly.

I still didn’t work on that drawing on my iPad, but I have been sketching and I feel like that satisfies my task completion criteria on Tusk (traditionally or digitally!) but I really want to develop a better relationship with my iPad, not my mention because seasoned with some art apps. I think my sketching is getting better and better with all this practicing, but I need to push myself to be better about doing some digital work, as well. Progress not perfection. That’s what I keep telling myself. It’s hard because I find routines helpful and stressful all at once and I tend to break good habits and invite old habits back in when I feel burnt out. This time feels a lot different, though, because no one is really pressuring me to have a specific goal in mind for the future. I’m really lucky to have to freedoms to work on the crafts that I am interested in, and have the privileges to go back to school and learn some fundamentals within stricter guidelines. Making your own schedule is fucking hard. It’s a blessing to have a so much free time to do whatever you want, but if you’re like me, then you tend to feel extremely guilty or ashamed when you do nothing, or what feels like nothing.

I can’t remember the last time I let myself do “nothing” and if I did, I absolutely felt totally guilty about it afterwards. I’d be really hard on myself and then fall into a spiral of not-doing-that-shit until things started piling up and the motivation withdrew. I hope that now I can be a little better about doing things that are good for me, doing things that I like, and letting myself relax without beating the shit out of myself for it. It’s all about balance, so they say. Everything in moderation?

Totally counted all my calories today so that I could get fast food, which is starting to be my safe food sometimes because I know exactly how many calories is in everything because fast food places have to list their calories. Not to mention I hit BOTH the elliptical and Just Dance, which made me feel like I was actually getting something out of my workout for once. I might do that again tomorrow because I barely had time to play with my advisement scheduled and a friend hand sesh scheduled right after that. I didn’t realize how many calories you could burn just playing that game for a few hours. I didn’t realize that it could help me rhythmically, an area which I am thoroughly lacking in. Maybe that will encourage me to pick the guitar up? Yes, I skipped my guitar practice task twice this week again. I’M SO BAD ABOUT IT. This is my lack of structure. And my anxiety. The fear! WHY AM I AFRAID TO PRACTICE THE GUITAR? Was my family maimed with a guitar in a past life? I have absolutely no reason to be avoiding this lovely instrument, yet I do it week after week. If I can do it once next week, I will consider that progress, too. I’m glad I even put it on my Tusk 2 days a week. I feel accountability when I skip it. It makes me more motivated to want to complete it for once in my life.

I practiced Duolingo a little bit tho. 😭

I am pathetic.

But tomorrow is another day to be better.

20 mins, 13 seconds. Bare minimum is better than nothing.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s