A message to my past self

If I could go back in time and send a message to any of my past selves — and this wouldn’t be very many years in the past, relatively speaking — I would tell myself to keep writing and drawing no matter what.

Of course, I remember writing behind-the-scenes things in my journal. Many entries where I’m freaking out about boys, so depressed the only thing I could write about was offing myself, or what the world would be like during and after my funeral. I never go back to those entries, but I still have basically all of those journals and notebooks. I remember typing some back in the day, but I rarely remember backing anything up in the days before cloud services.

Even though I never go back to those terrible feelings, I’m glad that I wrote all that shit down. If I saw my past self I’d say, hey keep doing that shit, but maybe instead of spiraling and spilling into a notebook that will someday be collecting dust mites in your captain’s drawers, post that shit on a blog. And don’t forget to keep drawing and sketching in your notebook so you don’t lose those skills when you are in your 30’s!

I’d tell myself, don’t get discouraged when you don’t get writing jobs that are being dangled in your face, but that will never happen. Keep writing. Don’t feel bad when you act slutty and then no one wants to talk to you or work with you because your boy crazy demeanor distracts people from the fact that you actually want to write about shit. Keep writing! Write on your own. Don’t wait for someone to hire you. Don’t beg to be part of a platform with people who want nothing to do with you because they are all racist and slut-shamey.

I’d remind myself to keep applying for jobs, even when you keep getting rejected, or never hear back from anyone at all. Hell, I probably would have found a more fulfilling job if I stayed persistent, instead of being dazzled by the allure of money from camming!

I’d tell myself not to stop writing, even in the notebooks, just because you’re feeling lost in the world and you don’t know what direction your life is going because you never actually thought that you’d make it this far. Keep writing! And don’t forget to sketch out these emotions, too. Don’t be lazy. The only way through this manic/depressive/scared state is to write your way out, or draw your way out. But DON’T STOP. And don’t be afraid to do it where people might see it, and possibly even find you relatable and try to help you!

I’d tell myself to stop daydreaming about what could happen in the future if something caught on, and actually create something that might catch on! I’d tell myself to stop fantasizing that my old notes will be published posthumously and actually tell a story worth telling while I’m still alive.

Yeah, I want to say all this shit to myself when I was 13, 17, 21, 24, and 27… but I guess it doesn’t hurt to be getting this shit all out on my blog (where people can see!) now when I’m XX years old. Yes, I know that I already admitted that I’m in my 30’s, and that’s something that really depresses me. Because I’m not in my 20’s anymore and although my 20’s were a fucking riot, I do wish that I kept working on fruitful shit instead of wasting them away. Maybe then I wouldn’t have gone through a stint of lost loneliness that could have easily gotten out of control.

Don’t call this post a comeback. As my readers already know, it is a struggle for me to keep writing things here. In the place where people will see. I am discouraged again because I just can’t seem to reach those 200 followers and I follow some bloggers who have over 10,000 followers (my own personal blog goal).

I know school is about to start soon, so that will give me some semblance of structure, and maybe I’ll be less destructive and even though I think I have a bit of a fluffy major, maybe something will actually come of it.

I just don’t want to be sitting at a desk 10 more years from now, writing to my past self and wishing I could say the same thing: don’t stop writing, draw more often, and keep pushing even when things seem dire. Something will come of it eventually!

Hopefully.

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