These familiar feelings… With a dash of grad school!

The second week of school is done and I don’t think I am doing that well honestly. Yeah I’m good at reading and highlighting with kawaii school supplies and I understand everything that I’m reading, I can’t help feeling like I’m doing all the assignments wrong or that I’m not meeting expectations in class or I’m just spouting garbled word salad.

I hope that my professors at least see that I’m trying hard to articulate points even though I come from a background that is research and interpretation instead of summarization and applying methodology…

I am so lost and I know there is room for growth (a lot in my case) but I hate feeling like I can’t really be sure if I’m actually doing well in school yet or if it’s all in my head.

UGH. I’ll take a day tomorrow and try to adhere to the standards that I’m clearly not meeting when I get back to reading and studying. 😭

Wahh. I don’t fit in! I’m not smart enough! Everything I say is stupid! My discussion board posts are not as quality as my classmates’ posts! My professors don’t think I’m smart! I’m not articulate! I’m so nervous! I can’t take my critical race/gender lens off sometimes and it affects my understanding!

GRAD SCHOOL IS HARD! I wonder when I’ll get to a point where I feel like I’m actually smart and articulate and contributing to meaningful discourse. Will it be when I start getting grades? Will I get good grades?

Either way, I’m learning a lot and I think that’s important, too. But would be better with A’s!

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