You know I’ve been feeling a little our-of-sorts the past few weeks. Some stress, some depression, some mania, some anxiety.
Sadness, impulsivity, hyperfocused, unfocused. I am all erratic, going in every which direction with this underlying feeling of worry at my foundation. Sometimes I describe the sorrow as a veil, but it doesn’t feel like a veil today. It feels like a fruit pit. It’s inside of me all the time, under the skin and flesh.
I definitely feel switched on, but the thing is, if I’m not doing something that’s beneficial to my school career or skill building or something I feel totally scared like I’m doing something wrong if I’m not doing “the right thing.”
Like, okay. Obviously there is no right thing. I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not even really hurting myself if I don’t do schoolwork ONE day or there are dishes in the sink overnight one night a week. The work gets done, the dishes get done. The earth keeps turning.
But in my head these little clutters of mess or under-watered plants or articles unread and assignments waiting to be completed are testaments to my failure.
I know I’m not a failure, and even tho the electricity is like BUZZING through my body and I just do everything without inhibition, I’m not necessarily doing what I’m supposed to do to get good grades or have the perfect apartment or to have a popular online presence or WHATEVER!
None of that stuff matters and I don’t know why I’m taking everything so seriously?! I want to get everything done and I want to stay planted in this seat right here. I want to make all these blog posts and tweets and organize all these different parts of my apartment but when I just look at the clutter — the piles of things on the dresser, the messy shelves in my bathroom, the photos I’ll need to edit, upload, add alt text to, add captions to, write blurbs… I feel this blockade when I think about putting anything together.
I DON’T WANT TO! LET ME HAVE A BREAK!
But the break never feels proper because I feel so guilty for not doing what I am putting off even if it’s literally just for a day or two and I’m not even actually behind on anything!
The fact that I still can’t switch off!! My brain is go go go go go go go and I’m not going where I’m supposed to so I go somewhere else.
I yammer. I doodle. I tweet. I chatter away to my boyfriend about so many things I know he has a hard time even keeping up. What’s wrong with my brain?! Why am I so hyperactive and depressed at the same time?! Why am I holding back tears one minute and banging on about every webcomic artist I could remember from the past 15 years 20 minutes later?
Why did I let my balcony garden suffer? Why have I been waking up every morning wishing it would rain (and feeling disappointed that it doesn’t.) But I know better than to tempt the weather so I don’t wish for anything other than what I’m given.
I want to post all my Comic–Con pictures, and my Scentsy collection, and my favorite international teen dramas, and all the tarot cards and puzzles I’ve collected. But it’s like: idea, idea, idea. Start a project. Another project. Another project. NEVER finish anything. Rarely finish anything. Hate everything that I manage to get done.
It’s just UGH how do I channel this mad energy into productivity?! And honestly is it that bad if I don’t? I’m in a good place. Why can’t I let myself feel like I’m in a good place.
I tell myself: my life is great. It’s perfect. I’m happy. I have everything I want. I’m working towards my dreams. I’m doing something. I’m happy. I’m FUCKING happy.
But WHY can’t I feel happy? Am I ever happy? Or am I always just really fucking sad, but sometimes I’m going so fucking fast I don’t realize until I manage to slow down again? And then I’m just praying that I don’t slow too much otherwise it feels like I’ll never get going again.
The other day I literally Googled, “Can you feel depressed and be manic?” And yes, according to the one article I read, it is possible to feel like that, but it might be symptoms of bipolar disorder? Maybe. This isn’t the first time I’ve thought I might have bipolar disorder or atypical depression. I don’t know much about them except what I’ve seen on TV, but truly television and film don’t always do a great job of depicting mental illnesses accurately. Honestly, most emotional illnesses operate on a spectrum so would it be so weird to think my symptoms could be something other than good old fashion Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder? (My past diagnoses.)
Does it matter? Is Bipolar more glamorous than Depression? I’m still either not showering often or showering way too often with antibacterial soap. Or never cleaning anything or cleaning up and organizing EVERYTHING! Or eating nothing but carbs and sugar or eating 1400 healthy, balanced calories and hitting my elliptical. You know? It’s like 2 weeks on/2 weeks off/4 weeks mixed/4 weeks off and on and off and mixed over and over foreverrrrr.
No matter what thing I am on the DSM I’m still doing stuff that makes it obvious that I’m not feeling/acting right.
But okay I took action. I had some roughness but I kept up with it and I signed up for therapy, which I’ll totes pay out of pocket cause fuck it. Impulsive manic spending decisions can be for something useful, too, right? 🤣
I’m taking another day off. I’m allowed to have days off. I will get all my responsibilities done and I don’t have to 100% perfect 100% of the time either way. As long as I’m taking care of me and my little loves and trying to do good things for the world and other things living in it.