My Therapist’s Different Perspectives about My Various School Drama
It doesn’t matter what other people think of you.
Your grades aren’t always reflective of the effort you put into your work.
Sometimes it’s a teacher problem, not a student problem.
One grade doesn’t define you.
Your final grade doesn’t define you.
You will probably feel stressed out until finals are over, but at least there is an end to look forward to.
You might feel uncertain about what you want to do for the next two years until you graduate and that’s okay too.
You never know what is going to happen at the end. You might be surprised.
How I Feel Now
Obviously these are all really amazing and self-actualized responses to all my grad school stress. I honestly felt like I was in a good place and was doing well for a short period of time…
And then I got some grades back.
Am I not working hard enough? Am I really such a shitty writer? GOD I am going to go off with a million insecurities by the end of this post so enjoy my misery.
I keep what the therapist says in mind. I try to care less about my grades when they aren’t what I want. I especially try to rationalize my feelings of inadequacy when I don’t get a grade I think I deserve even though on the inside my self-confidence is festering.
I am having the same insecurities about my writing all over the place. I finish a short story, is it dumb? I write blog posts, they get no traction. I try to SEO enhance them but it’s new to me, so the language feels so unnatural for a writer. Even an amateur blogger. Even a stream of conscious trauma dump makes me feel vulnerable now because I’m wondering if this is quality pain and suffering instead of just vapid, unrelatable shit y’all love to hate read.
So I complain about school a lot and even get into the irrational measurement of self-worth against my grades, but something about tonight just made me hate school. It’s a combination of everything.
A harsh deadline for a long paper, for one. I wonder how the mature students and slacker students are doing in the class? I bet the mature students all got A’s and I am going to ask my fellow slacker his grades and if he did worse than me, I will be okay in this class. If he turns out to be a grand essayist who has pulled off nothing but A’s, then some questions must be raised. Why do I suck so hard at school? Is it because it’s my first semester? Why do I have such an unwarranted ego about writing college papers when I haven’t gotten a good grade on a single grad school paper thus far?
Can I still manifest A’s or does that not work when you actually have numbers to plug into your average now?
I can’t understand why I am only allowed two Zoom classes for a hybrid class where the online students are always on Zoom? The classroom is set up to accommodate both in-person and Zoom students. Why is there an actual letter grade deduction for ZOOMING more than twice if you are in a hybrid class? It isn’t an absence. I am literally trying to learn without putting myself at risk of COVID or an attacker or a rat when I get out at 9pm in FiDi. I didn’t ask to be Zoom every time.
I have so much work left I can’t waste the 2.5-3 hours commuting tomorrow, so I am going to fucking Zoom like I am not trying to shirk and assignment or “cut class.” Technically this IS my second Zoom because the last time I tried to Zoom, the entire class was Zoom because so many people requested it. But what am I going to do? Remind her that I should get a lower grader because of an aggressive Zoom policy?
I don’t give a fuck about Pace’s real estate. Make those yuppie campus girls have mandatory Zoom, not me, a 30 year old woman coming from the northernmost part of Queens who has to pay for the school with my own money.
Pace is happy to take your money and never really help you bureaucratically and still tell you to go fuck yourself if you have a personal reason for needing to attend class virtually more than 2 times.
Like this is a private college. For all the money I pay I should get a weighted average, right? Because I know I’m working hard but my various social advantages are apparently affecting my grade. Racist? Classist? Maybe. I have a lot of issues with this school that I will post after I get my grades for the semester just in case and I will NOT be fucking going back there for the next.
I felt horrible yesterday so I needed to do so much work I got overwhelmed and had a mental breakdown. Straight up crying in my overcooked macaroni contemplating how I could get it all done if I couldn’t even focus. And I did get a lot done but if I don’t Zoom tomorrow, I’m fucked. And if I lose a whole letter grade from Zooming then I paid $5000 for at least a C? I am not fucking cool with that.
Why do you think I want to quit school now? I guess I am a B student. Maybe even a C student. And maybe I deserved all those shitty grades and I didn’t actually work that hard.
Everyone else in school gets As except for me. Everyone knows what they’re doing except me. Everyone has a job except me. Everyone knows what they want to do next except me. Everyone is well-read except me. Everyone has great online community interaction except me. (Except my followers and likers..I love yall bc I’ve never had so many followers on anything.)
I went to school to learn but if I’m not getting all As then why does it matter if I learned something because I’m not smart or talented enough to impress anyone Good Will Hunting style or use that work to get a job unless the job is in getting Bs?
Also none of my Professors or classmates except 2 friends in one course like me and I know I’m not supposed to care about what they think but I imagined myself as this adorable stylish babyfaced eccentric prodigy with limitless potential than hasn’t been nurtured until a mentor takes me under her wing and helps me rise upward until I end up in the limelight where we both knew I always belonged.
But it’s not like that actually at all the best I can do is write cringe blog posts and get a B- on that too probably.
I’m in school until I can figure out something else. How do I do other stuff? How do I make it happen for me? How do I make myself either be an A Queen or not care if I’m a B- or lower Queen? 💔👑