Is This My Life Now?

Free Write

15 minutes to get out of my head.

Today is my first day back to school and I’m excited that I only have three courses this semester, although they are all MALS courses aka the “AP” courses of my grad school. That’s pretty reductive, but you get the idea.

I am trying to take it much easier this semester. To be less concerned about getting As — especially because I didn’t get all As last semester and the majority of people who have spoken to me about it have told me that grades and GPAs don’t matter. My therapist said that I should be focusing on the intrinsic parts of being in school. The parts that make me feel good ~on the inside~.

This break was monumental for my emotional state. I’ve never actually felt like I’ve been getting things done without feeling like I’m having some kind of manic episode that would result in a depressive crash whenever it was over. She said I seemed lighter. I felt lighter, for the most part.

Today, I feel a heaviness. Whether it be from my period, ~mercury in retrograde~, having to physically go back into school, the weather, or literally any combination of external factors that are out of my control… I can’t tell. The sadness and greyness are really there. I don’t know why and I don’t know if any special pen or notebook or sweater or playlist or sunlight or pill is going to improve my mood today.

I don’t even know if I will feel better when I get home tonight after my two classes (luckily b2b… and on ONE campus this year!) because I feel a hollowness and I don’t know if that is because of future uncertainties. I’m feeling lost. Positive affirmations aren’t helping me. I play my subliminal.s and I don’t know if they’re doing anything today because I’m trying to rewire my brain to think, yes, only good things lie ahead.

But today it just feels like there is nothing more to my life than scheming about how to work-from-home, having soooo many cats, non-stop chores, plateauing weight, normcore style, and avocado toast. Am I basic? I thought I was artistic. I thought I was smart. I enjoy doing these things and I’ve really been on my glow up for weeks now, yet today I only see static.

I tell myself, everything I do is in alignment with my personal goals. Everything always works out in my favor. I am patient. I am happy. Only great things lie ahead. Only great things lie ahead. Only great things lie ahead.

And I will keep repeating it to myself every day until those great things appear in front of the pathway that I used my mind to lay down. When will that be? I can’t say. All I know is that I am back to academic purgatory, trying to get the most out of my thousands of dollars of debt by convincing myself that I enjoy school. That today will be easy. That today will be fun. That I am there to learn. And maybe make friends.

And that this will all count for something and some point, whether it feels like that today or not.

Final Thought

Maybe my life is boring and basic. Would that be so bad? If I told myself that I was destined for greatness, is this not greater than the way I’ve grown up? Is this not better than my past life? What more do I want? What more do I actually need to feel fulfilled?

My 15 minutes are up, so I suppose only time will tell.

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