Semi-Good Coping

I’m in a Mood Again

In my fantasy world, I think to myself that if someone loves you, then they’ll be supportive of your feelings. If only in words. Even if they know that at this current time, the things that you want are somewhat out of reach. I think the issue I’m having with my SP is that he might have cold feet about being married because he has been married once before (now divorced,) but he is not taking my feelings about getting married into consideration. I think that he feels scared that getting married might eventually lead to divorce and he’s genuinely scared to make that commitment again.

I am 12 years younger than him. I have never been married. I have never been engaged. Never proposed to, never been asked to prom, etc. etc. I definitely made up for it when I was young, dumb, and full of… gum. And became suuuuper slutty, but never stopped being boy crazy or hopeful that the one bad boi or nation-touring DJ or boy from back home would be so enamored with me that they could help me get through the toxicity and become better. Maybe we could even become better together (the best!)

I think I’ve found that in my current partner, but when it comes to engagement and marriage, there is statis. I know we’re in love. I know that ever sign from the universe or the Meyer-Briggs assessment or the twin flame frequencies is telling us that, yes, we are best friends and we are meant to be together. I understand where he is coming from, but what about where I am coming from? If he is financially supporting us now, but he isn’t meeting my emotional needs, then I get back to financial independence, what is left?

I really want commitment, but it doesn’t count to me if he is not the one who wants to do it. Why am I planning my own engagement? I am questioning whether this is something that I want to do at all anymore.

I’m really tired of fighting about it. I feel like it should be a little bit easier. He said it himself — if we were going to get engaged, we could just do that right now. It’s been over a year since those words fell out of his mouth and we are still not engaged. So what’s the point of getting engaged now? It’s just making everything messy and causing all this contention in our relationship each and every time it is brought up. I love my partner, but I want someone to want to marry me. I want to know what it’s like to have someone really love and support me because I’ve been missing love and support my entire life.

I don’t have my family to fall back on, I constantly feel like I can’t talk to my friends about anything. I’m scared about what my therapist is going to say if I bring it up again. I just want to table it. I want to bury myself in school like I always do and try to do everything around the apartment myself and focus on my cats and my self-care and practicing my craft and don’t shut him out… but stop trying to force something that should really happen naturally. Right?

Coping

Normally, this is when I would start spiraling. Today I definitely needed to take one of my crazy pills to cope and keep from freaking out, but I think that is okay. That’s what they are there for, although I truly try not to take them unless I need them. I don’t want to say it, but I feel like I need them whenever I start thinking about engagement and marriage, so maybe taking engagement and marriage off the agenda for at least a little while is the proper move.

I’ll just try to finish my MA and then idk? Ph.D.? More academic purgatory. Or maybe I could get a part-time job so I wouldn’t feel so trapped by this constant financial paralysis. I feel like I’m doing a little better emotionally. Maybe I actually could handle a 2-day-a-week part-time job this time and not panic and quit in a fury like I did with every single job I’ve had in the past. Maybe with my new, healthy ~coping skills~ (and pills.)

I tidied up my bedroom a little, I put my laundry away, I unpacked the Boxed deliveries, I took out the paper recycling, I am wearing my new Warby Parker lenses with less strong prescriptions adjusted for my now-worse astigmatism. Everything looks a little weird since I am adjusting to the depth perception, but it is kind of freaky and cool in a way. Like I’m tripping out, without the uncertainty of where I will wake up in the morning.

I went for a walk in the gloomy, wet neighborhood before the sun fully went down. The branches were glittering from the streetlights reflecting through giant raindrops turning into icicles on naked tree branches all around the block. Nearly every house and apartment had their fairy lights on in their windows. All that sparkling in the dusk reminded me that I am the main character in my own story, and my mood improved with the combination of this song on repeat and the icy weather chilling my bones through my black leggings. No need for layers when your body temperature is running on high from all the emotions surging through your blood vessels.

It started raining on my way back home. It was rush hour, but people were still exiting the middle school up the block and getting off the train. I almost forgot that it was Friday through all of my fury. More time to make up for canceling on my sister tonight and protecting her from this negative atmosphere, more time for things to get better. More time to think about what I’m really fucking doing here.

Now I’m back and I’m well past my 15-minute minimum writing and I feel okay about it because it gave me a little extra time to reach into the darkness of my thoughts (and heart.) I don’t really know what I want right now, but I’m glad I had the opportunity to escape for a little bit. Out there and on here.

I’ll end with the positive affirmation I’ve been telling myself all day: Everything I desire is already on the way. Everything I desire is already on the way. Everything I desire is already on the way.

I don’t need to decide what I truly desire at this moment to know that those great things are coming. I don’t need to feel happy right now to tell myself that only good things lie ahead.

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