De-Motivation

It BE like This Sometimes

I don’t know why, but I fully don’t feel like studying today.

I am extremely grateful because I had the privilege of having the home cleaned yesterday and the tasker who helped us out did such a fantastic job. The energy in the apartment is so much better.

I think it will be easier to keep up during the school semester if we can afford to do that once a month.

Still, yesterday I didn’t want to feel totally useless since I was hiring someone to help get the apartment cleaned (trust me, I have so much internal conflict about hiring someone to clean even for the benefit of my mental state.)

I *did* go to the nail salon, which I desperately needed because two of my nails were broken on Tuesday and Wednesday when I had class and it was humiliating… Even though I’m fairly certain that no one else noticed but me. Why am I so self-conscious that I feel like I’m dying on the inside from something so minor?!

But ALSO how am I like such a great actress that probably no one saw my confidence falter once?

Is this Manifesting?

I’ve actually been telling myself that I am confident (three times for the magic to happen!) And somehow that and any combination of Adderall and antidepressants and Klonopin is making me into a super human on good days.

And I wouldn’t exactly call today a bad day, but I haven’t felt de-motivated about school since it started. I’m coming up on week four. I’m learning a lot and having a blast. I think I’m too talkative… I’m working on it!

And not calling out. πŸ˜“πŸ˜‚ Sorry, classmates. I have room for improvement.

I’m reading Out of Darkness by Ashley Hope PΓ©rez and it’s so touching and sad and romantic and tragic and I can’t put it down. So if I can’t get myself to focus on three scholarly articles about feelings of unfairness as related to race in children from grades K-12, maybe some historical fiction about extreme racial and gender inequality in Texas is a good way to keep my brain from turning into mush on my bonus “day off.”

I did get a lot of reading done after my nail appointment while the apartment was being cleaned. (Thank you again!) Not before getting the dishes and laundry away though. Is it weird to hire someone to help clean, but also clean up a couple of things on your own while she is here? I’ve never hired a cleaner before but I’ve also never had such a large place, nor so many cats, nor as much to do work-wise. Schoolwork, in this case.

I feel like I’m becoming the type of person that I’m supposed to rebel against. The bourgeoisie?! Nooooooooooo!

But I also was happy to give someone work and I really needed the help to put myself in a better headspace. Productivity suffers when your home is not in order

I totally read that on a cleaning service website…

I can’t figure out if it was the correct thing to do in my mind morally and maybe that’s why my emotional battery is so exhausted that I cannot focus on more case studies about socioeconomic disparity — children’s feelings of inequalities, on top of it!

I will say that it was worth having the apartment cleaned so at least I have the luxury to sit and read and just keep everything neat and tidy to honor the hard work all around.

I promise I’ll get back to learning about all of these things so I can work on changing the world.

But today I need a break.

~Depression sucks.~

At least I wrote today, too, right?!

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