Scatterbrained

Temptation Everywhere

Here in America, tomorrow is a holiday (President’s Day) so my boyfriend has the day off. I don’t have class on Mondays anyway, so I am already “off” and I am such an enabler I’m like… Let’s get burgers. And burgers turn into cocktails and cocktails then into half an addy and half an addy turns into now.

I have lots of time to do the readings for class, and I’ve actually been reading this whole time… The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison tho… Not a section about temporal narrative dynamics.

I can watch the two movies listed on the syllabus, but yeah again… I think I’m depressed?

It’s not that I don’t feel like doing anything. The intrinsic feeling I get from studying and learning new things is enough to keep me wanting to read those chapters, but I’m having existential dread.

What comes after this? What will come of this? A job? A book deal? Publication? I’m here to learn, but maybe I also need a little more? Like money? Or glory?

I will talk to my therapist about feelings of uncertainty, but I remember last time she said that it might last the entire time I am in grad school. Maybe longer.

After my Master’s… Library science? PhD? Do doctors get fucked up? Are there more people like me with a voracious appetite for learning and carcinogens (mildly…) And self- discovery and hobbies?

Who am I? What am I doing? School is purgatory. What is next?

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