Hot Mess Award


This wasn’t my best week of school. Planning, yes. Great as always. But committing to my perfect timetable proved impossible. I’ve only said hundreds of times that I’ve been mega depressed. New meds? Existential crisis? Chaotic weather? I don’t know. Either way, I’ve been in a BIG MOOD.

And it has lasted for so long! I talked to my therapist about it today and I really don’t know where else to go from here. I’m having my episodic mania, but I’m so depressed when I’m not distracted by the dazzling sporadic bouts of euphoria.

I’ve certainly lost time today. Hours between waking up at 830am and 3pm when I showered. What happened? It was only marked by periods of external peculiarities — the cops checking in on the upstairs neighbors, texting my friends, and… ??? I know Inventing Anna was playing. But otherwise I’m lost.

Lots of “barely” today — barely made it to therapy on time. Barely finished the reading for class. Barely got my makeup done. Barely chose the outfit I wanted to wait. Barely made it to class. Actually, I was late to class, which I hate because it is one of my worst flaws and now that we are back in person I have anxiety about getting it right.

So far I am not doing a great job because I’ve been late 3 times total since the semester started.

I don’t know if it was my space brain or maybe I was hungry or maybe it was literally just because I didn’t prepare with enough time ahead of class, but I could hardly articulate a single thought. I felt like that yesterday, too, for both classes.

I wouldn’t say I’m disappointed in myself. I’m proud of myself for the things that I did get correct. I didn’t complete a homework correctly, but it was mostly correct and on time. I did all of my readings. I did all of my screenings. I showed up. I participated. I’m trying.

Despite the frequent references to feeling down and lost and a bit lonely and hopeless, I have weird feelings of mania. Talking 1000 miles a minute. Losing time. The euphoria. Not wanting to sleep.

I’m going to contact my therapist and ask if this is mania and how I can manage it so I don’t fall into the destructive behaviors that come with this feeling.

Regardless, I’m going to try to rest today and tomorrow. Reset and try to be a model student this week so I can feel proud of doing well, but also proud that I saw my shortcomings and put in the effort to be better.

Or I’ll get yucked up and fill the blog with more regretful words. 🙂


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