Progress, Not Perfection
So maybe I was spiraling the last few days. I mean, I wanted nothing more than to get messed up and pretend that my responsibilities didn’t exist.
Obviously that would never work because I don’t even know how to get properly yucked up and I always harbor too much guilt and shame to ignore my chores and school work for too long. If I don’t have enough time to play with the cats very much for just one day, I feel like a bad mother.
Luckily, having TV for homework saved me today. The assignment was to watch Years and Years and it was so good and so British that it didn’t feel like a chore. Unlike Beforeigners, which triggered a lot of SJW reactions from me and I think I took up too much class time ranting about it last week.
SORRY AGAIN CLASSMATES! I really have to work on my bad habit of calling out in class.
Though it didn’t feel like any of the words were being absorbed into my brain, I successfully got my reading completed for that class, as well. Not my best note-taking or studying, but when it comes to being hella depressed and school… Sometimes you have to improvise in order to keep moving.
Tomorrow I can focus on three major things: washing my hair (so annoying,) picking up a prescription (also annoying bc I’m literally going there Tuesday as well but not sure if I can skip a day of antidepressants for a lapsed refill?,) and do my reading/homework for the class where I am without a doubt the biggest dummy of all my classmates.
After I do the reading and assignment, I’m going to email the Professor to help during office hours. Especially because I have to present my topic (Children’s Media!) next Tuesday and I am so fucking out of my depth I am swallowing mouthfuls of seawater weekly at this point. I don’t know what she will suggest or what I can even do, but I don’t want her to hate me for being a big dumb. I want her to like me for being a big dumb but caring enough to try and get it right. 😭
I hope that counts for something in grad school?
I am surprisingly in a good place with school this week after all now, so long as I screen The Graduate and Akuru before Wednesday. Meaning, not try to do the screenings and reading literally up until I have to leave for class for the third week in a row. >.>
I don’t know why I’m being such a bad student this semester. Yesterday I was holding myself to a high standard of getting all my shit done (though y’all know the stress was actually killing me) and this semester I’ve been so nervous and put off by my studies.
Is it this hard class? Is it because we are in person all the time now with no option to remote in if we are feeling sick? Is it because I was depressed all of February? Is it because I got 2 B+s last semester and I don’t want to put in the same level of effort if I won’t get all A’s anyway? Is it because I think I need breaks in between these weeks because it sometimes weighs on my emotional state?
I can only be introspective about where this resistance is coming from, but I’m choosing not to dwell on my poor performances and be proud that I pulled it off when I was relatively at my lowest point the last few weeks. I’m getting stuff done, the apartment is slightly less gross, my cats feel love, my homework is getting done.
It’s almost safe to say that I am on the up-swing. But who knows what mood tomorrow will bring.