Not Spiraling

Seriously, I’m NOT!

I definitely feel the same way. I took a repose to get into Inventing Anna and My Friend Anna and became more involved than I thought that I would. It’s no surprise because I tend to get very invested in so-called anti-establishment true crime, especially with the rich elite, especially in New York and California. I enjoyed reading Rachel Williams’ account, but I still don’t agree with snitching on someone who you considered a friend. Or at least, that’s what she was telling the world. To me it just seemed like stereotypical white woman retribution. I’ve seen it on so many true crime shows. I feel for her as a victim, but it’s hard to be sympathetic knowing that she made out okay. It doesn’t mean she wasn’t a victim, it just means that… she got her justice!

Rachel Williams is also adorable and was a Conde Nastie at the time and I’m voyeuristically obsessed with that publishing world (but only as an outsider) so I had to know her version of events. Cat Marnell is still my #1 hero, but I’m ambivalent about the Anna Delvey part. Yeah, she was a scam artist. But I’m sure she would have paid Rachel back (after ripping off a bank, of course.) But like, who cares about banks? They indebt civilians, they hold all the power in America, they can take your house away, they perpetuate a capitalist mentality that encourages to work hard until we are literally about to die and ignore our passions. Especially when they are creative. I don’t think Anna Delvey should be unpunished, but I don’t think anyone who specifically went out of their way to make sure that she was arrested has the right to call her a “friend” and posit herself as a victim of the friendship. A victim of fraud, yes. Not an innocent bystander sucked into the whirlwind of VIP glamour.

I know lots of girls who sound like Rachel. Generations of privilege, NYC import, doesn’t actually understand how money works herself (on a smaller scale than the “Fake German Heiress”.) She did what many of us cute NYC girls do in our 20’s — get into the orbit of the friend or group of friends who can get us into the most guest lists for free.

I’m sorry for hating on Rachel. I did buy her book because I think her side is fair, too, and I know that her emotional reaction to the situation is totally valid. I supposed I just have a different perspective because I am not a white woman who comes from a “loving” and “supportive” family who would do everything in their power to bail me out because they cared so much. Anna did bad things, but she didn’t have that and most people would say that such familial bonds count for more.

Okay I just wanted to talk about something other than feeling like emotional toxic waste and constantly reading about people who are making it in the world, sober and less than sober, and wondering when it will be my time to turn my words into profit.

Like, how do I get a job? How do I get a job that I actually like? Every show I watch, every story that I read… the focus character already has something. A job, a way out, a couch to crash on. How do they make it work? Am I not ambitious? How do I try harder without turning to delicious carcinogens at the end of the week. And sometimes during the week.

How can I get a job, and get fucked up… and still get an A?

And how can I do this all on something that is stronger and makes me feelgood. Better than I feel now. With a perfect sleep schedule. And perfect grades.

I wish I could be a high-functioning addict, but I’m not sure if I’m an addict. and I’m literally not a high functioning anything.

I’m going to smoke this pre-roll that I got from a bodega on St. Marks and try to read an article for class and pretend I’m the Type-A grad student who can do it all and make it work because they know without a doubt that something good is going to come out of it if they keep dragging their feet through it all.

Sorry for typos. I am somewhere else right now.