But did I miss class tho?
Yeah, I keep calling myself a horrible student this semester. I might be the worst grad student in some of my classes… Perhaps even all of my classes?!
My usual tricks and charms don’t work as well in this academic space. I guess because everyone is actually trying quite hard to make the most out of their education? So I haven’t been organized, I’ve been doing some screenings, readings, and assignments moments before I need to leave to catch the train (one of the reasons I’m always late.)
I bat my eyelashes at my male professors and participate as much as possible, but as I learned from one evil B+ class last semester that participation doesn’t always count, despite what is clearly documented in the syllabus. I am still salty about this but trying to let it go.
I BARELY finished my screenings for my Film Studies course today. Watched Burning (amazing btw) while simultaneously trying to plot a potential absence. I didn’t want to flake on meeting my friend before class, though, but I was late to that meeting as you probably guessed. Although that means I was on time for class for once as a result of trying to socialize pre-class time.
I ironically screened Mirror in my bathroom mirror while smudging purple eyeliner on to create the illusion of being alert and put together. “Smoky eye” and 3 coats of waterproof mascara is my secret weapon. If I have bags from exhaustion… It could easily pass as my ~look~ that day.
Try watching a 1975 Russian film (yes, in Russian with English subs) on a Google Pixel 6XL reflected in the lower left corner of your sink while you ask yourself: what the fuck is this movie about? And more importantly, WHY AM I LIKE THIS?
Furthermore, I pulled off all the textbook reading on the train to class. English undergrad does come in handy from time to time. 🙂
Saw my friend for 15 mins before class started, crushed the lecture by attempting to say something smart, asking questions about 1975 Russia, and nodding my head a lot.
I think I’m pretty much doing okay for who I am, but my daily existential crises about being a paid writer make me less interested in actually doing well in school. Although I still care, otherwise I wouldn’t whinge about lateness and problems that are obviously my own fault, but really… I want to make friends and learn and write forever.
ALSO totally went the extra mile and got tutoring for an already-completed paper so I can submit it in a contest. That is very out of character for me. So maybe I am changing in some ways.
Maybe I’m more than just the weird fidgety girl who pops an unidentified pill every 30 mins and doesn’t always know when not to speak in class. MAYBE!
But let’s take it day by day.