Nightly Unburdening

I’ve Joined the Burnout Club

It is taking me so long to adjust to in-person classes that I have been on time like once this entire semester. And it’s basically midterms. I’m trying to get my shit together, but this is a problem older than the creation of the universe. I literally can never get out the door on time, or to the train on time, or to my class on time.

How do people be on time?! I want to blame dyscalculia but I’m pretty sure no one believes that it’s even a real thing (it’s like number dyslexia to put it crassly.)

I really do love being in class and seeing humans and participating and hearing my classmates’ brilliant thoughts and learning from the Professors’ lectures, but goddamn. My quality of life has significantly dropped since we started going back in because of the extra pressure to ~shower~ ~wear pants~ ~be aware of your bodily noises~ ~travel with supplies~

Sorry, I know I’m being ungrateful and sound like a privileged NYC brat. Wahh! I have to commute to my campus situated across the street from the Empire State Building in the greatest city on Earth in my Levi jeans and I’m suuuuuper tired from carrying my Herschel bag because MacBook Pro and 5 pounds of imported Korean school supplies are soooo heavy. It’s a good thing I’m wearing my $25 waterproof mascara and $30 setting spray, otherwise my millennial tears might smudge the layers of luxe skin care products and CC cream. 😭

Yeah, I don’t feel sorry for me either anymore.

I am suffering from burnout though for realsies. I think? I am actually proud of myself for making it to class every week (not proud of myself for the lateness) and I think I’m actually learning shit. I’ve done my readings and only strategically missed a single homework assignment in each of my Tuesday classes. I know for you normies just doing “what you are supposed to do” is nothing to be celebrating, but my fucking brain still doesn’t work like that.

I don’t want extra special treatment for being normal. I want the rest of the world to adjust to my special needs so I am technically treated regularly. 🤣

I am still putting faith in the Prozac working. I know it’s not an exact science, but I’m really hoping I can just try this one thing and get lucky and be neurotypical and sleep 8 hours and not start crying because I thought one of my cats looked sad. Or feeling utterly lonely in a classroom full of people, confident enough in myself to be friendly, but too socially dysfunctional to make friends. Is it normal to literally run away from someone to avoid them because you want to say bye but think it’s too rude that you forgot their name? Why am I always overthinking that my school friends think I’m annoying/weird/a drug addict/a bad student/too talkative? WTF?!

Also, everyone is like 5-10 years younger than me . Also I have a fupa and I’m scared that if I’m near someone long enough it will fall onto the floor. Also I actually am really extroverted and feel so depressed when class is over and there is no one to speak to or walk to the train with, but I’m too spastic to start chatting to someone. I guess a lot of people feel that way, since most people escape the building and blaze down 34th Street. Maybe it’s not just me?

I thought this part of my life was over? I just want to fit in but I guess manifesting main character energy actually repels others because I seem independent and scary. Which I am. And also weird with niche interests. And also not the best student (not that I care as much anymore.) I just wish I didn’t feel a sinking sadness when everyone starts leaving and there isn’t anyone to talk to. I wasn’t constantly pummeled with riptides of despair when my classes were on Zoom.

I have said this every week so far, but I think I need a break from class! It’s all becoming a bit much. But I also don’t want to miss any materials or discussion. Since there is no compromise, I’ll just do what I always do and pretend everything is fine then un-burden in my writing.

I only hope it will not be my undoing.

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