Grad School, Engagement, and (Most Importantly) ALIVE!

What a year! I am in grad school, I’m mostly adjusting to being in person, I’m trying to be more positive, and some changes have happened.

Today is my birthday which was filled with love and thought, and yesterday I got engaged! A momentous occasion that I couldn’t not post about.

School is crazy and generally I’ve been feeling *mostly* okay. Probably why I haven’t been venting or whining on the blog recently. Prozac? CBD? Positive affirmations? Gratitude?

Whatever mad combination of these things is finally working for me and though I’m still not perfectly “normal” like the rest of you who can wake up when the alarm rings and get ready for work and stay there 8 hours and not have a mental breakdown 3 weeks in… I am genuinely proud of myself for making it to 31.

15 years ago I was so depressed, I was convinced I would have committed suicide before I was 30. Now here I am: 30, flirty, and thriving. (LOL!)

Can you imagine? For a long time I couldn’t foresee any goals or plans for myself because I was certain that I wouldn’t be around to work on them. I thought I was better off dead.

I’m not saying that there isn’t darkness. It’s ever-present, even on my good days. Even when I’m not blogging. Even when I’m focused and determined and productive and NOT manic.

And I’m not saying a cliche like “I have found a reason for living.” I honestly haven’t. I just feel like my outlook on the transient existence on this planet is slightly more positive?

I’m always still taking it one day at a time. Gratitude and positivity helps. Prozac is probably helping though I’ve never trusted antidepressants before. CBD, too. I’ve never tried it before and nothing is better than a good benzo but having a natural placeholder for a lapse in anxiety med use has relieved so much stress.

It’s not school, or my birthday, or even my ENGAGEMENT that has me feeling euphoric. It’s the fact that I actually feel deserving of the good things in my life and because of that, I’m willing to remain positive and keep believing in myself so I can attract more great things and become better. I can use my powers for good.

Emotional wellness has been a twisted journey for me and I’m still on that unmarked path even now. It took years before I built up the courage to try an antidepressant again. It took countless holistic techniques practiced habitually over MONTHS to start believing in more than just chemicals. Couple that with weekly therapy and monthly PCP visits and I’m just starting to think things like, “Is this what everyone else feels like on a daily basis? Have I ever felt ‘normal’ if all this is so novel? What am I doing right?!”

I know I only post when I’m spiraling downward, but I am happy to have the honor of posting as a 31 year old engaged woman who never thought she would make it this far.

My depression and anxiety are still crippling, but on this day in history I can officially say that it has not beaten me.

Thank you for being with me through the years. You are loved.

I am loved. I am proud of myself. I am grateful for my life of abundance. Everything I desire is already on the way because everything I desire is already mine.

Only great things lie ahead.