It’s Me Wow

I have had a tiny case of ~a loss of interests in my favorite things~ probably because of depression but also because of stress and definitely because I’m busy for once in my life.

I did a thing and took an INC for one class so I can finish this summer class and make up the final paper when I can focus.

I’ve also randomly had so many social engagements b2b2b and I’ve been uncharacteristically fulfilling these obligations instead of succumbing to my usual flaking out at the last minute.

Maybe I’m… Evolving? I’m doin my responsibilities, I’m trying to keep up with school the best I can (still lost most of the time tho) and I’m less resistant to good advice. Who tf am I?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had low points. Low days. Profound loneliness. Woolgathering. Exhaustion.

And I’m poor as hell bc grad school is like work but I pay them for my pain and suffering.

Liking school actually helps. Not working helps. Subliminal messages help — I swear by these. I listened to the silent study subliminals when I was mega burnt out at the end of last semester and I somehow got two As ??

I worked hard, no doubt. But damn I was really hard on myself about my potential grade in my Children’s Studies course because I had such a hard time keeping up.

Not sure if dum or brain destroyed by drugs and alcohol and NYC air, but that brain of mine did better than ever. I think this is literally the first time I’ve ever felt proud of a grade? Is it my outlook? Is it really subliminal brain reprogramming?

Maybe I’m just too hard on myself and that’s why 99% of these posts are emo or cringe? Is this one cringe?

At least after disappearing I can come back and say it was worth it, academically.

This summer course is HELLA intense tho because it’s only 5 weeks aka I’m almost halfway done already. Aka midterm paper already due Tuesday.

During my fugue state I’ve done the following, in no particular order:

  • Wrote a final paper about Over the Garden Wall.
  • Also taught myself Adobe Premiere and slapped together a cheesy presentation for a classroom full of film studies students and had way too much fun to feel shy about the cringe parts.
  • Designed a methodology for my (potential) thesis project.
  • Registered for FOUR courses Fall 2022.
  • Turned 31.
  • Planted peppermint and sage in my balcony garden to mask the Astoria stank.
  • Got interracially & heterosexually engaged! πŸ’πŸ’Žβœ¨
  • Exhausted all the best drug recovery memoirs and reverted to reading fiction again. πŸ’”
  • Returned to San Diego, where I saw seals AND sea lions. 🦭 My spirit animal???
  • Became addicted to Essentia water and single use plastic, by extension.
  • Upgraded my Kindle but the battery dies too fast and gives me PTSD from when my tutoring job coworker said Kindles are dumb bc your book can die and I was like why not both? And not mine always dies and I always forget an analog book so annoying.
  • Learned how to nap. Kind of. I’m still not that great at it. But now I see what the hype is about.
  • Saw A Midsummer Night’s Dream at the NYC Ballet.
  • Started descending into more aggressive germophobic behaviors… But I still haven’t got COVID so maybe it’s not that bad. And neither has my ~fiance~ and he’s way more germ than I.
  • Finally got to a Mets game… And they won in overtime! (I don’t like sports because I think it makes people act too crazy, but I will casually be into the Mets for the taste of that unwarranted importance everyone feels.) Go Mets!
  • Bonus: didn’t have crazy pills for the Mets game and survived claustrophobia panic somehow. Alcohol helped with the edge, but I’m still proud of that, too.
  • Started doing crossword puzzles for the first time and think I’ve finally found my thing.
  • Went back to Staten Island for the first time in like 3 years to see my sister’s first apartment! Why does Staten Island feel like a long distance relationship? Oh yeah, because I like it that way!
  • Attended two weddings.
  • Have not planned my wedding.
  • Started thinking about a PhD?
  • Be kinder to myself, even when I think I can do better.

I feel like I did more but it’s 4am and I’m literally in Austin right now (visiting my other sister.) I did a dum and scheduled therapy for 930 AM…

If I fall asleep, I hope I wake up enough to do therapy effectively. If I don’t sleep, I’ll just talk to my therapist about it. 🀣

It feels weird to be back. Sometimes it’s nice to put the feels into the ether. Especially when I do it just for me.

It would be nice to get paid for something, but… I’m sure something good will come my way eventually.

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